


i don't want to be a hero (and i never did, and i never have been)

by vinndetta



Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous Slash, Background Character Death, Chosen Seles Wilder, F/F, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Possibly Pre-Slash, Suicidal Thoughts, Tales of Symphonia Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:36:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27168737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/vinndetta
Summary: In the end, Seles Wilder had never actually seen her brother's body, but it doesn't stop her from seeing the blood on her hands in her worst nightmares anyway.A conversation between Chosens changes the way Colette sees her fellow Tethe'allan Chosen, and surprisingly, the way said Chosen sees herself.
Relationships: Colette Brunel & Seles Wilder
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	i don't want to be a hero (and i never did, and i never have been)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [By Envy's Hand We Find Our Shape, Through Kindness We Defy It](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27135095) by [Gargant](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gargant/pseuds/Gargant). 



> > the major character death is zelos.  
> > two mentions of suicide - the canonical suicide of zelos' and seles' father, and seles' own suicidal thoughts
> 
> well. here we are? thanks to gargant for the original fic that made me go, omg Chosen Seles Wilder? What A Concept! and then i wrote this and cried x

When Seles was six, she became the Chosen of Tethe'alla overnight.

She'd never actually seen her brother's body, but the news had spread through the grapevine quickly, as it often does in Meltokio. A single spell shot towards her brother, innocent little Zelos Wilder who had never wished any harm upon anyone, pierced through his heart with an icicle.

It has been years since she had seen him, had heard him, had played with him. The memories are faint and far in-between; it almost feels more like a dream than a memory. Still, Seles remembers the times playing with Zelos in the backyard of the Wilder mansion as some of the best moments of her life.

-

"Seles, dear," her mother had said before she had left that night. "Please be good. I'll be back soon, and everything's going to be better."

The most infuriating thing was that she was lying.

-

The last time she had seen her mother was at her execution. Her mother had given her a smile and mouthed something at her, something she couldn't hear over the murmuring around her. With the glass separating mother and daughter, Seles felt even more distant from her mother than ever.

While Sebastian, her butler, had turned her away at the moment of execution, she still heard the ax swing through the air and the way it sliced through both flesh and bone with relative ease.

How easy it was to end a life.

-

Turns out everything got worse.

At one moment, she had a mother who cared for her and a step-brother who was her best friend and playmate.

The next, she had neither.

-

Seles would never understand what was going through her mother's head when she had created this elaborate plan to assassinate her step-brother in order to make her the Chosen.

Before this had happened, she was under the radar, virtually unknown.

Now, she was the only suitable replacement for the Chosen. And what could she do? Say no? Unthinkable. The man who had been father to both Zelos and Seles was dead - there was no other option.

Seles, the half-elven orphan, was no one's first choice.

But it was everyone's only choice.

-

There were people that liked her.

Being the Chosen meant that you were the symbol of hope for them. Chosens were the ones who would save the world if it came down to it. She was in a position of power everywhere; Chosens were able to sway public opinion, were idols upheld by the Church of Martel, and had all sorts of privilege that other girls like her could only imagine.

Being a half-elf also meant that you were the symbol of everything they hated in the world. With an elven mother and a human father, her blood was a mixture of both living things; this wasn't seen as something to be proud of. Elves lived exclusively in Heimdall for the most part, whereas the half-elves were forgotten in some island floating in the sky. Being both meant that you were like both species - Seles could use some magic with ease like elves. That also means that you were different from both - elves, and to a lesser extent, humans, were typically able to tell that she and her other half-elven kin were different from everyone else.

Being a half-elven Chosen was nothing short of disastrous.

Being a half-elf, she would normally be turned away from high-end restaurants, and would most likely be given horrible service at all other restaurants. However, being the Chosen, it was simply unacceptable for them to have anything but the best food. So, she was served at high-end restaurants with some glares and dirty looks shot secretly her way.

She stopped going to restaurants.

Being the Chosen, food served to her was often tested for poison, as there was a fair share of people who were against the entire idea of the Church of Martel. As a half-elf, it was worse. Now, she had people who were anti-Church, anti-half-elves, or even both, threatening to take her life.

Despite her frail nature, Sebastian hired a tutor who taught her to fend for herself. By the time she was thirteen, she had already become a stellar swordsman. She later would find out that her brother was going to have some powdered Aionis sprinkled in his food, in order to give him the benefits of using magic without having to have a drop of elven blood in him. But she doesn't have to do that - she teaches herself magic within the walls of the Wilder mansion, with the books she smuggled out of the royal library and with the occasional help of some of the half-elves in the Meltokio Elemental Research Laboratory.

(When she eventually joins Lloyd on the journey to unite both worlds of Tethe'alla and Sylvarant, she thinks back on this knowledge and finds herself horrified by the double standard of magic being revered in human users while magic in half-elves being blasphemous.)

Truth is, the people both revered and shunned her. Was this solely a Chosen thing? Perhaps, perhaps not. Seles is pretty sure that being a half-elf didn't help her situation. People seemed to treat her as an untouchable, undesirable object: something to look up to, yet something disgusting; something people were afraid of, yet something people were morbidly curious about.

Sure, people liked her, but they never actually truly did.

-

That's why, when she meets the traveling group of Sylveranti for the first time, she doesn't think much of them other than her assignment of spying on their every movement, thought, and action.   
  
When she had first been approached by Pronyma on behalf of Cruxis, she didn't know what to expect. Apparently, they had plans for her; if she would be their spy on Tethe'alla, they would relieve her of the Chosen status that she had slowly started to resent over the years. In her mind, there was no other choice; what was she to do to an angel, anyway? Refuse? Unthinkable.

So the Magic Swordswoman Seles Wilder, Chosen of Tethe'alla, joins the group as a triple-agent. (Yuan lets her in on the existence of the Renegades, and Seles provides them with information, too. Who knows how this can help her later down the line? Best to leave her options open; this is survival of the fittest, and half-elves have to do what they can just to stay afloat.)

-

She doesn't expect to make friends for the first time in a long time. Since Zelos, she's never had a friend. But somehow, she makes seven friends quickly. Who could resist Colette's blinding grin, Lloyd's unwavering belief, Presea's rare and satisfying smiles, Sheena's comedic timing, Raine's intelligent quirks, Genis' snarky remarks, and Regal's multitalented brilliance?

Certainly not touch-starved, affection-starved Seles Wilder.

-

When Seles leads Colette up the stairs at the Tower of Salvation, she almost wants to confront the group herself with her sword and magic, but she doesn't.

A part of her screams that none of this is useful - that she, along with Genis and Raine, would forever be isolated from the rest of society despite all their efforts. If the world ends tomorrow or millions of years in the future, Seles doesn't see change happening, doesn't see that the world would ever change their attitudes towards half-elves. That despite being in a position of power like the Chosen, she still lost everything. Losing her parents and her step-brother as a child was because she was a half-elf, because she was the Chosen, because of all of these things. It'd be easier just to let herself die at the hands of her new companions.

But Colette had told her that she trusts her, no matter what. Even Lloyd confirmed that she was their friend. Colette had smiled so wide at her, to the point where Seles felt like something was bubbling inside at her at just the sight of it directed at her in particular.

What was she supposed to do with the memory of _that_ embedded in her brain?

-

It was only right, she reasoned as she held out the stone to Lloyd so he could wield the Eternal Sword. It was only right that she does this after the supposed semi-real, semi-fake betrayal that she had put them all through.

-

"Seles?"

Seles sits up in her bed.

Colette Brunel's standing there at the door, dressed in those pajamas that look oh-so-comfy. Just once, she'd like to brush her fingers against--

"Oh, ah, sorry, did I wake you up?"

Seles shakes her head. "No, no, I--- I was struggling to fall asleep," she admits.

"Ah," Colette says, nodding. "Me too." She awkwardly bangs her hands together and wrangles them together as she avoids eye contact with Seles. "Do you want to go outside?"

Seles glances out the window. "Outside?"

"Yeah, I kinda wanted to watch the stars! And I figured since everyone's asleep... um. No one would bother us, you know?"

And how could Seles say no to that?

-

Seles closes the door behind her, peering over the village of Heimdall. Indeed, the village was silent in slumber.

She walks with Colette to the edge of the village. She eyes an outline of familiar shadows as they pass through; turns out some of them weren't able to sleep either.

"Genis and Lloyd look like they're having a serious conversation," Colette whispers.

Seles looks down at the ground. "It must be weird, fighting a family member."

"I couldn't imagine it," she says as she leads Seles to sit down upon the riverbank on the other side of the village. 

"Lloyd's been talking a lot about having no more sacrifices, and then, this?" Seles crosses her arms. "Kratos making his son do this almost makes me mad."

"Yeah!" Colette pouts, clenching her fists. "Lloyd's been so strong, and Kratos making him do this is just..." She lets out a sigh. "I don't think it's right."

Seles can feel fury and disbelief come off of Colette in waves. "... But we'll have to release Origin's seal, right?" She plays Devil's Advocate for a second, then shakes her head. "I'm going to trust Lloyd in whatever decision he makes. I'm sure somehow he's going to pull another miracle out of his pool of boundless luck, somehow."

Colette actually laughs at that, and oh, oh it's-- "You're right. Lloyd'll find a way to save Kratos and release the Seal. He's..." She thinks for a moment. "He's always been the kind of person to go, _if I can't find the path I want to take, I'll make it myself."_

"... Lloyd's very strong," Seles admits. "But still, being strong, does that mean he'll be able to go directly against Kratos, his own dad?"

The thought makes Colette frown again. "Ah... well, family, right?"

Seles looks away.

"I've never really been in a position to fight my family? I mean, they've always just... been there, you know? I had an angel pretend to be my father, and we had to fight him, but..." Colette frowns. "I don't remember much of it. I think this was when I was still trapped in that trance of mine."

Seles blinks. "Still, the thought of it..."

"You mean, the thought of having to go against someone you love, someone that loves you?"

Seles nods jerkily.

"I think Lloyd knows what he has to do. I'm sure he's plenty fired up about the fact that Kratos is simply resigning himself to die."

Those words strike close to home.

"Seles?"

"I almost did that," she blurts out. "At the Tower of Salvation."

Colette's face twists into confusion. "Huh?"

"When I had betrayed all of you? I almost took up my own blade against you. But..."

"You did?" Colette frowns, eyebrows furrowed as if simply the thought of fighting Seles had physically harmed her. "Why?"

Seles looks away. "I was... tired? Jealous? I... I didn't want to live anymore."

"O-oh," Colette stammers on the one word, obviously shocked by the revelation. Seles shifts awkwardly. "I... I had no idea."

"It's..." Seles pauses. She had once sworn that she'd never reveal her weaknesses, and here she was, telling her life story. Then again, she had chosen this side already. She was going down fighting to reunite the world with her new friends, and what more was there to lose? "It's a long story."

Colette gives her a small smile, as blinding as ever. "And I'm here if you want to share. We're friends, right?"

Seles nods once. 

"I once had a brother."

"Oh?"

She gulps once. "His name was Zelos."

"Zelos?" Colette tilts her head, letting the name flow off her tongue. In another world, Zelos would be in her place, being their friend instead. But this isn't that world, is it?

"He was the Chosen, or, well, he was supposed to be the Chosen." Seles looks away. "... But I, his younger sister, became the Chosen instead."

"What happened?"

"Well, his parents were betrothed despite not being in love with each other. They had my brother, but both also were in love with other people." Seles wrings her hands together. "His father's half-elven mistress gave birth to me."

"So you and Zelos were half-siblings..." Colette hums. "I wonder what he was like."

"He was my best friend," Seles confirms, smiling softly in fondness, then the smile twists, and -- "Then, one day, everything changed."

"He was murdered."

"What?" Colette's eyes grow wide. "They killed the Chosen?"

"It's dangerous, being the Chosen. Our father had... committed suicide, no doubt due to the pressure." Seles looks out at the water, the way the moon reflects on the surface of the river. "... Zelos was killed by my mother."

"Your--"

"She thought--" Seles continues, afraid that if she ever stopped speaking, she wouldn't be able to continue. "She thought I'd be able to become the Chosen if Zelos was killed and I was the only option left." Seles' voice wobbles. "She was right."

"That's... that's horrible," Colette says, voice dripping with sincerity and sympathy.

"My father committed suicide, my best friend and brother was murdered, my mother was executed..." Seles frowns. "No one ever knows where Zelos' mother went, honestly."

"So, you have no family," Colette says sadly. "... You must have had a rough time growing up."

"I had Sebastian, my butler, who I knew cared for me. Other than that, I've had to learn to fend for myself. I was a sickly girl as a child, but I got better with the better healthcare being the Chosen gets you. That's probably the one thing that being the Chosen gave me."

"Better healthcare?"

"Better healthcare," Seles parrots, frowning. "Other than that, I've basically been on my own. I have elven blood in me, which automatically makes me a half-elf. People both revere and are disgusted by me. It's... weird."

"Heimdall didn't want to let you in, not until Lloyd demanded it."

Seles laughs bitterly. "Surprisingly, it's not that bad here. At least they show their resentment. Most places I go, they try not to show it. They treat me well, but only to my face. At least the elves here are open about it instead of hiding it in shame."

Colette shakes her head. "Just because it's not... bad, doesn't mean that it's okay! You don't deserve to be treated that way. You're a good person, Seles, you don't deserve that--"

"And how would _you_ know that?" Seles spats bitterly, and the flash of hurt that spreads on Colette's face almost makes her regret it, but -- "You don't _know_ , Colette! If... If I didn't exist, _Zelos would still be alive_. So many people would still be alive. Zelos wouldn't have been _murdered_ as a child and he would have been a _much_ better Chosen than me. Look at me, I'm a pathetic person with mixed blood and _people can't even decide how to treat me!"_

"How could you say something like that?" Colette raises her voice, tears streaking down her face. "Why would you think of yourself like that? It's not your fault what happened, and those things, all those things, that doesn't make you a _bad_ person."

"It doesn't change the fact that my existence caused at least two deaths of people close to me!" Seles shakes. "What is the purpose of living if your very existence _hurts_ the people that you care about?"

"That wasn't _your_ fault, Seles. You betrayed us, but it was to _save_ all of us. You were hurt. What happened, your mother did that of her own volition, not because you physically made her. You've been through a lot, you're not a bad person because of all these things that happened in your past."

"It doesn't change that," Seles starts to sob herself, and her vision starts to blur.

"No," Colette sniffs, quieting down. "But you can't change the past. All you can do is live in the present and hope to change the future."

"I'm sorry," Seles sobs and Colette pulls her into an embrace. "I'm sorry for being a mess."

"No, I'm sorry."

Seles furrows her eyebrows and hugs Colette back. "Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry you've been hurt." Colette states simply. "I'm sorry that you've been so alone. The world hasn't been kind to you, so I hope I can start off as the change to that, Seles. You _won't_ be alone anymore."

And Seles lets herself sob into Colette's arms.

Seles won't have to be the distant Chosen of Tethe'alla, who never trusted anyone, who never had any friends. Seles... can just be Seles at this very moment. And she's with friends, who vow to change the world so that for the rest of her life, she can be _simply_ Seles.

But for now, she doesn't feel like a Chosen anymore, when she's in Colette's arms.

She's just Seles.


End file.
